Not getting into the circle

It’s hard. It’s goddamn hard to break into the circle, believe me I tried, it didn’t work, so I gave up and it’s the best decision ever. 

I always have this positive outlook  that after a while I will be mom-dating again, ah well..that failed. The Dutch circle is damn hard to break. If you don’t speak dutch then butt the hell out, well for my experience that is. 

But it makes me happy because I can learn a new hobby, have quiet times, and learn to love what I have and it works. I run and it feels good. I learn new things and that’s great. I don’t have to go through the stress of forcing my way in the mommy’s circle in school. 

I don’t have to prove people anything. I am just happy to get on with my life and that’s about it. It’s hard to communicate to people who assume the worse in you such as ‘she’s not trying hard enough to learn the language look’ with that il respond baby steps darling, baby steps. I cannot run before I can walk can I?. But in reality, if I say Hoi, Hallo, hoe gaat het, I just get a grunt or a look and a look away. Jesus miserable horses whatever is wrong with just responding back, can we not be merry at times? Such miserable crazy people, so I gave up.

I am one of those moms who waits quietly in one corner and say hello even without getting responses, because I don’t need responses. I am just happy to look at these moms having friends and love on my boy.

It’s sad though because if I cannot get in these circle that means no playdates for my boy but it doesn’t matter he seems thriving enough in school and that’s the main thing. 

I just don’t understand how difficult it is, but yeah one step at a time. One day I’m going to learn dutch properly and everything will be a breeze..maybe, just maybe. 


Happy birthday sweet pea.

October 12, 2017

Wageningen, NL

It’s been a year!

To my itty bitty darling,

I cannot believe it’s been a year already, from the moment you were born you held a valuable place in our hearts especially kuya’s. How protective is he of you,  how crazy and how much he loves you, NO words can explain it. As for me a year since you were born has been the shortest and longest year thus far. In this year I have learned how to love a human being, a tiny tiny human being with the strongest impact and depth I have yet figured out. The moment they took you out of mommy’s belly until the moment we heard your furious crying (they woke you up) it clicked to us that you were the missing piece to complete the family puzzle.

The first few months were the toughest I was completely drained from all sorts of energy from breastfeeding to running around like a headless chicken sorting out kuya’s needs, your needs and the chores. But in every bump we encountered we managed to bounce back. And there it goes it became easier from then on.

With all these new chapters and milestones it must so happened that I love you more and I am loving you differently. It’s not that you are a delicate and not because you are a girl, but you are my last baby, in every firsts  it will also be mommy’s lasts. I feel confident that as you grow our relationship and bond will flourish even more, NO matter how much challenges that gets in our way, nobody can tear us all apart, you have mommy, daddy and kuya and we got your back forever. Life will throw us a lot of challenges that’s for sure, but our love, my love will only become bigger as you develop your personality and character,  as you grow to become the person you are to be someday, I grow with you too.

As you get bigger and become more aware of your surroundings, you explore everything and notice even the smallest detail you see. I hate it when you fall down and hit your face or head on something, but then I secretly kinda love it. . . not because you’re hurt but because I know that I’ll just get to hold you and cuddle you for a long time as you calm down. You don’t always slow down much, you are always on the go.

You are such a happy girl and have a smile that lights up the room.
We often say you smile with your eyes, it’s contagious.
You’re an easy go lucky baby but at the same time you know exactly what you want.
One of the best things about you is the love you give.

From your smiles to your hugs and kisses and best of all cuddles.
I can’t get enough of you.
You, my child are also FUNNY!
You are very aware of this.
You make crazy noises and when we laugh, you keep doing them.
You love attention and once you have it, you know how to keep it.
Then you laugh right along with us.
This is the case everywhere we go.

I hope that as you grow you also maintain to light up the room like the sky filled with stars.

We love you to the moon and back. Here’s to many more.

Happy 1st Birthday

Love x

Mom, Dad and Kuya

Hardest and most amazing job ever! 

I know I posted few weeks ago that I miss my work. I still do, but the work I’m doing now is way harder than dispensing medication and calculating dosages. The work I am doing now can make or break someone’s future. Sometimes I can’t get enough sleep, or no sleep at all. Sometimes I can only eat 2 meals or sometimes no meal at all. I’m not skint or anything it’s just that I am very busy, the tasks I have to do, the chores I have to finish, on top of that my bosses need me to translate something,  interpret things, respond to constant demands. 

In school I manage to finish my bachelor’s alright, then moved on to my master’s with exceptional colours, going on to work, I have constant invitations for interviews and job prospects, but this I don’t understand, I finished all those hurdles in my life and never caved in, but this job I am doing now I am nearly crawling at the end of the day. It is so difficult that on a Monday I am already wishing and praying for Friday to come quick.

The hardest job is rewarding too. I can work from home and never have to wear my fancy work suit, I can wear my shirt and jeans, teach somebody, encourage somebody and get on with life. There are days when I feel like I am a teacher, teach the children, read books,  paint some pictures and mark their progress. There are days when I am the chef, I fulfill the food requests, teach them to bake, what’s healthy and beneficial for our well being. There are days when I am the driver, take them to places, show them around, teach them about places, anything we see in our surroundings and how much we can help to improve it and what are our responsibilities too. There are days when I am the health care provider, when they are sick, I diagnose and treat, and be the doctor they want me to be, I calculate the dosages and dispense it lovingly to my patients and be the pharmacist they need me be, I then move on to caring for them, fulfilling their needs, checking them round the clock and be the super nurse I have to be. There are days when I am the cleaner, cleaning after their mess, picking up bits and pieces. And much more.

Being a mother doesn’t stop from there, from being someone else, we are someone else all the time, we can be whatever we want may it be a driver, a doctor, a maid, a cook etc. But at the end of the day we are the mother and our role is much complex than what is perceived. We are the jack of all trades, we multi task and we are very adaptable with our working environment, we can work in extremely chaotic, catastrophic and crazy work environment and yet we do it with pride. We can keep calm even under extreme pressure. We have longer patience even with the constant tormenting. We are in command, we are the captain of our own vessels and yet no matter how high we think of ourselves these teeny crazy weenies are our bosses and we take their lead. 

We work more than 100 hrs per week, nothing to minimal wages, Monday to Sunday,  on call every night and no holiday until the foreseeable future. Regardless of all the exhaustion and craziness in the umpteenth time this is the most fulfilling job ever, as we get to see the milestones,  the day to day progress and we get to raise individuals who will learn to share the learnings we teach them.

I can say proudly I am a SUPER Mommy (and I don’t care what others think of that! 🖒🖒🖒🖒🖒

All of us are SUPER  MOMS in our own special ways!😘😘😘😘

Write soon xx

Moana and chicken pox

So I guess we achieved another milestone, currently we are experiencing the wrath of chicken pox with the help of Moana. Yes! Moana is helping me to settle the grumpy children. Oh lordy!  Another day, another phase, another sleepless night.

How am I gonna survive this ordeal, is beyond me. But to take it one step at a time, crawling, rolling and walking really slowly..God I’m tired but what to do but to pick up myself and carry on. My patience is slowly wearing out, please I need to borrow more patience, I really do.

At least Moana is cheering my boy up and he’s singing away ‘you’re welcome’.

But oh boy, he’s tormenting me with mom this, mom that, mooooooooooooommmmm.. oh gosh! Little things mom, mom, mom I guess he was right when he said my real name is mom mom mom mom mom not AJ. Children, honestly you can’t and can live with them.

I can’t say I hate my life right now I sort of do and don’t but hey that’s life you gotta deal with it I suppose but the sleepless nights are getting on my nerves and I’m goddamn tired seriously I’m dying with a really slow death. But but buuuuuuut, at the end of the day when Lukie says mom you are awesome or sometimes he imitates the scene in Moana and he says mommy, mommy, mommy  (whispering behind me, in my ear) you’re amaaaazzing.. makes me really laugh and wants to hug him even more and no matter how tired I am I just really forget makes me really happy.

Oh this love and hate relationship makes my life beautiful and interesting.

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘


I know when you are pregnant you get teary, moody, grumpy, and all sorts of bipolar emotions. But man! I’m no longer pregnant and I’m still hormotional. I so hate it, it’s not good because I’m becoming like a mental mom.

Or is it because the newborn baby bliss is gone and the sleepless nights really wearing me down, but but newborn sleeps well and my toddler wakes up once but wakes up in the ass crack of dawn, jesus almighty have mercy on my poor soul.

Or is it because I spend my evening revising and taking up course after course after course to keep my brain going, that’s right I love learning new things but the thing is I am pushing myself too much to the point of becoming so competitive to my lovely,  SELF! And the next day I feel so tired and my only solution is to drink more CAFFEINE! Well of course I cannot blame the coffee for making me super alert then downhill towards the witching hours of my children. I rage, and I weep in my own shortcomings but who else to blame but my own insane self. That’s right I am to be blamed.

Or is it because I am feeling the cabin fever, because it’s winter I cannot let my sick children get ill after a bout of sickness just for my own selfish reason of going out. I love going out it calms me down, it clears my head but these days when L gets ill, shortly after recovering , A gets it. Oh F my life all I want is to go out and get some fresh air. Good thing we have a garden, I can get a breather now and again but but but I have to be weary of nosey neighbours checking out what we are up to. Ugh! Can they just not mind their own world I have my own to worry about.

I feel so guilty when I rage towards L and G, but hey I’m not a perfect mom I have bipolar moods too you know. I cannot say I can be an angel all the time, I am me and bipolarity is a part of me.
Anyway, these days I’ve been doing a bit of home exercises as my wound isn’t completely healed so I have to take it easy. Also, I am enjoying my course in educational psychology it’s really interesting to learn a different subject.

These shortcomings are temporary I will soon learn to deal with my hormotional moments if only I  can teach myself and my hormones to cooperate.

For now breathe in, breathe out, deep breathe 1,2,3..out again ahhh..feels cathartic.😊

Write soon 💖💗💙💚

Motherhood –> Where sanity matters :)

Do you remember those days when you feel like you just want to hibernate even when at work? Ever had those days when you can just explode to your anger and blame it to your raging hormones? And how about those days when you can pig out and sneak out in the early hours just to satisfy your cravings and nobody notices how big you are because they see the bump more? I thought so, I’ve been to all those stages. But right now when hibernation is impossible the old notorious you at work is now the slave of the hustler baby. Yes, the hustler, you know those hustle and buzzles at home especially when the little one is up before you (well, most of the time he wakes up before me), he pokes your eyes, licks your face, pulls your hair, mumbles like no end, yup and still you can’t get out of bed just because mothering a little baby is so freaking tiring. Freaking tiring yet rewarding. 

0 to 3 months- Easy peasy lemon squeezy (as mothers to be are told), simple question. WHY? complicated answer: WITH experience mum-  baby is usually asleep, cries when hungry, cries when wet or when nappy is soiled, yup just lying around snoozing, tummy time and milk milk milk milk milk. WITHOUT experience mum- yeah baby is easy they are always sleeping. That’s what I have been told as well, babies are always sleeping although that’s a fact nobody told me about the freaking witching hours when baby just cries from 3 or 4 in the afternoon and stops at 5 or 6pm, when you are about to lose your sanity. You know when you just want to cry because you don’t know what’s wrong with your baby, that kind of thing is so stressful. Nobody told me that breastfeeding can be painful, someone told me yup when the baby cries offer your freaking breast, right and so I did and when I thought I was doing it properly then you have to think about latching, and be careful of your drugs (medication not cocaine people!) and so on. My god, those where the most precious times of motherhood because you just had a baby, yet they are the most stressful and mind blowing times of my life, I was about to lose it. I thought yup I’m losing my job and I’m losing sleep and I’m nearly losing my sanity. And so the baby story goes on.

3 to 6 months- exciting times. I had the most exciting three to six months experience with my baby. At three months he was rolling over back to front ( kinda cool!), so as a mum you have to put pillows everywhere, you know health and safety thing. At three months we had our first family long haul flight from UK to the Philippines, awesome? yes indeed, except when people gives you dirty looks when baby cries during landing and take off and when the baby is bored and you know those eyes that makes you uncomfortable when your breastfeeding and you just want to poke them and shout like what the hell is wrong with you, man I’m feeding my baby could you please look at your own thing. But hey you can’t because if you do so they might throw you 35,000 ft above the ground so better just tame your mouth and get as much blankets as you want, there are pervs in flight most of the time anyway! (eyes rolling front back at the moment) (tryna catch my breath). So the story continues, at four months I have offered Luke solids, yup solids, most people will say but that’s too young, this that whatever, I don’t give a damn anymore you know when you’re a new mum they give you different advices and they just try to confuse you, well, I realised just pretend to listen and say yes and no and that whatever, then do your own thing because you know your baby more than them lot! Imagine him being with you 24/7, anyway, so I gave him solids without restrictions and now I have a happy baby, at five months Luke learnt to roll over front back front and sat without support, milestones! at five months he has been sleeping through the night. At six months he’s crawling, so you know child proofing and all, no big deal mummy is a fast learner, and Luke is eating 3 times a day with dessert (yogurt or custard) and is now singing, of course I won’t forget about teething,Just let him chew anything and everything, i even gave him carrots,bitter gourd, biscuits and all and I can say teething is hit and miss so use your instinct to deal with it, so happy baby = to happy mummy,woohoo!big hug for myself.

6 to forever- feeling jittery– plenty of discoveries along the way yet if many will offer advices I shall do my own thing hehe.. You know that line in toy story TO INFINITY AND BEYOND! yup well that should be your motto in raising a child haha! Looking forward to more milestones to come and more experiences to add up in my motherhood experience, can’t wait to lose and regain my sanity. 🙂 


My little munky:)