So long my second home

7 years, the UK has been my second home, 7 years of unforgettable experiences, fantastic friends, amazing and rich culture. 7 years, I was able to build my life, met people who taught me important life lessons,  awesome learnings. 7 years I managed to prove everybody that I can change, adapt to change and be independent and resilient.

Sad to end so soon, but I am now looking forward for whatever the next phase of our lives. New environment, people and culture. Wow! It’s overwhelming and scary, the language barrier, culture shock, the very tall people, and also the below sea level bit, i will be the first to drown when there’s a great flood (a very colourful humour, not! ),the bikes, the tulips, the rain (I’m not sure if il love that, but what the hell). 

I have been revising about the dutch exam, man it’s hard! Half of which is easy to read, but when I start hearing things the guttural G especially, I get goosebumps. My my my, how am I and what am I gonna do. Il be leaving friends, acquaintances and the nature which I love, for a country as flat as a pancake and people as tall as towers. The bikes are plenty more than the citizens of the country I think. But then seeing what the children will have, man it amazes me. The universities are to die for, the school places are plenty which mean we don’t have to go through the whole stress and process we did and experienced here. Our children’s world is just there, waiting for them. 

It is a goddamn massive operation, it is an expensive one, it will be a super stressful (due to moving) and a complete start of whatever we are used to. Tons of papers to sort out, exams, visas, work. Fuck my life! It will be a long, hard, confusing and a lot of emotions sort of one year. My lovely sweet hubs family is there so it won’t be all that bad. I can get support even just via a phone call, we can go out when everything gets a bit too much. My children will see their uncles and aunties and will have a relationship with them, that’s a good thing right? At least family is nearby, that is also my family so I am happy. 

I just wish people won’t be too harsh when I try and speak Dutch and ignore the grammatical errors as I learn it. I have to get used to cycling everywhere (which I love), I can’t wait to make friends and take a different learning path from whatever I am taking here now, I hope settling in won’t be as bad, maybe for the 1st month il be in my own bubble, figuring out what to do until I gain courage and confidence to leave home. It will be an interesting 1st month, lots of trial and error.

 England we will miss you, until we meet again. 

When Duty Calls

4 years, that’s the longest I haven’t been inside the dispensary, my brain was idling for so long, it’s a bit rusty, it has been so under utilised. But when duty calls we help out, even if we have to go beyond our comfort zones. The oath we took when we passed our revalidation at uni means nobody is left behind. 

I have always been a very helpful person whether I like the person or not. In helping it’s not about liking somebody, it’s about giving our hand to reach out and extend an arm when necessary. When duty calls we need to be compassionate even to the meanest of the mean, when duty calls it’s not about us but of others, it’s not about the money but the intentions of reaching out.

My weakness is reaching out, because I tend to think of what others thinks of me, I tend to be so weak when judgement paves it’s  way towards me, I tend to back down easily, but when duty calls I have to stand tall and face the music.

I love volunteering on things beneficial to others, beneficial to friends, beneficial to families. I love sharing my knowledge in the field I specialise with but when I experience set backs with work or just helping somebody, I struggle, I stutter,  I become the person I shouldn’t be. When duty calls I have to pick up myself and work my way amidst the set backs.

I hate being criticised, I hate being manipulated, I tend to self destruct, I melt down. I want to learn from my own mistakes and discover the solutions myself, I am a problem solver, I am a builder but with the strong points comes my weak points, I doubt easily, I observe and I over think.  But when duty calls I panic sometimes because I live in my self improved organised mess lifestyle.

I like experimenting, new looks, food, work, organisational skills, life etc. But I don’t really know what I want, I am stuck in experimenting and changing whatever is there to change, I tend to be so over ambitious and when I fail my world crumbles away. When duty calls I have to put my acts together and find the missing pieces.

A health care professional will be and will always be there when duty calls, whether we are in good condition or severely dilapidated by time. When duty calls we stand together and offer a helping hand and extending our generosity because we are brothers in arms. Nobody is left behind. No excuse to make up regardless if we are practicing or not. The knowledge will always be there the compassion should always be there. There’s one problem I’ve been noticing with some health care professionals lately, we forget about empathy and compassion. We forget about our values because we are so busy following the books. It’s been 4 years but my presence is felt in the community in my own special way. 

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘

Hardest and most amazing job ever!Β 

I know I posted few weeks ago that I miss my work. I still do, but the work I’m doing now is way harder than dispensing medication and calculating dosages. The work I am doing now can make or break someone’s future. Sometimes I can’t get enough sleep, or no sleep at all. Sometimes I can only eat 2 meals or sometimes no meal at all. I’m not skint or anything it’s just that I am very busy, the tasks I have to do, the chores I have to finish, on top of that my bosses need me to translate something,  interpret things, respond to constant demands. 

In school I manage to finish my bachelor’s alright, then moved on to my master’s with exceptional colours, going on to work, I have constant invitations for interviews and job prospects, but this I don’t understand, I finished all those hurdles in my life and never caved in, but this job I am doing now I am nearly crawling at the end of the day. It is so difficult that on a Monday I am already wishing and praying for Friday to come quick.

The hardest job is rewarding too. I can work from home and never have to wear my fancy work suit, I can wear my shirt and jeans, teach somebody, encourage somebody and get on with life. There are days when I feel like I am a teacher, teach the children, read books,  paint some pictures and mark their progress. There are days when I am the chef, I fulfill the food requests, teach them to bake, what’s healthy and beneficial for our well being. There are days when I am the driver, take them to places, show them around, teach them about places, anything we see in our surroundings and how much we can help to improve it and what are our responsibilities too. There are days when I am the health care provider, when they are sick, I diagnose and treat, and be the doctor they want me to be, I calculate the dosages and dispense it lovingly to my patients and be the pharmacist they need me be, I then move on to caring for them, fulfilling their needs, checking them round the clock and be the super nurse I have to be. There are days when I am the cleaner, cleaning after their mess, picking up bits and pieces. And much more.

Being a mother doesn’t stop from there, from being someone else, we are someone else all the time, we can be whatever we want may it be a driver, a doctor, a maid, a cook etc. But at the end of the day we are the mother and our role is much complex than what is perceived. We are the jack of all trades, we multi task and we are very adaptable with our working environment, we can work in extremely chaotic, catastrophic and crazy work environment and yet we do it with pride. We can keep calm even under extreme pressure. We have longer patience even with the constant tormenting. We are in command, we are the captain of our own vessels and yet no matter how high we think of ourselves these teeny crazy weenies are our bosses and we take their lead. 

We work more than 100 hrs per week, nothing to minimal wages, Monday to Sunday,  on call every night and no holiday until the foreseeable future. Regardless of all the exhaustion and craziness in the umpteenth time this is the most fulfilling job ever, as we get to see the milestones,  the day to day progress and we get to raise individuals who will learn to share the learnings we teach them.

I can say proudly I am a SUPER Mommy (and I don’t care what others think of that! πŸ–’πŸ–’πŸ–’πŸ–’πŸ–’

All of us are SUPER  MOMS in our own special ways!😘😘😘😘

Write soon xx

Lessons

I am not the most perfect person in the world, I don’t get along well with some people, maybe my problem or they have a problem with me, I don’t know. Maybe we just don’t have common grounds, maybe I am not a desirable company. Maybe they don’t like me for being me.

I tried reconnecting, I tried doing everything I can to have even a teeny bit of a relationship but it doesn’t work to all of them, it hurts me, it hurts everytime because we are suppose to be one household but apparently I am an outcast.

As I’ve said I never tried fitting in, but it feels like I don’t fit in it anymore,  I don’t feel like I belong in it. I know I did a lot of mistakes in the past but jeopardising somebody who wanted to reconnect or fit in baffles me. Why some people are so selfish and finds it hard to forgive is beyond me. I don’t know anymore, do I have to apologise over and over or keep on reaching out? You see, that’s not my forte, I reach out and I get tired to just keep on repeating it like a stupid record playing over and over eventhough there are new genres to listen to, there are better options.

I mean we make mistakes, we learn from them, we graze ourselves along the way then it heals and the scar is there for you to look at, but the thing is, that scar will be a reminder that we were once weak and that we learned from it and come back stronger. Over time, I never expected to be talked to, I never expected to be that friend or be that sister because it is just so disrespectful that whilst trying to be the best person I can be, I get ignored at, or I never get any response, it pains me every time, I stopped trying eventually, and i will stop reaching out thereafter. I know there’s such a thing as time heals everything. But what does it do? Does it just keep the bitterness in our hearts? Does it change us? Does it make us a better person? Do we become more rational about our reasons?(so we can let go).

Time. Like what Thomas Edison said,  “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time”. How am I going to understand more when they only want to understand less? How can one see the improvements one makes if they only sees you as a failure?Or instead of seeing the good they see lots of flaws,  If they only want to indulge on their point of views? Life is not fair, it never is and never will.

Since moving abroad,  I learned a lot, I learned to be more independent and to explore the world around me, I just don’t care anymore. I stopped caring altogether, because at the end of the day in this free world everybody is entitled on their own opinions, but the thing is if we let their opinion get into us,  it will just eat us inside, we will just be stuck in a rut again until we learn to let go of it.

Change is the only constant in this life, I remember in one of President Obama’s speech, he said “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek”. And yet people doesn’t like change eventhough it’s for the betterment of one’s self.

No matter how grounded you are somebody will criticise and disrespect you, respect is such a thing that some people miss, they are too busy criticising others, there is nothing wrong with criticism as long as you don’t step on that fucking line just so you can be ahead of yourself. 

Sometimes people are easy to judge and disrespect others without seeing their own reflections. It upsets me because they appear to be so opinionated and perfect yet they don’t see their own flaws, other people may be so busy formulating a strategy to settle everything and make ends meet and yet the other is busy putting a target on the other person’s back. Sometimes I think we live in a sick world. Sometimes I think for most people everything is a competition, may it be for greatness, attention, money or just power. Hey we only live once why don’t we try to reach out for the estranged or maybe we need to stop being so narcissistic and loosen up a bit. 

I think I have improved myself and became a better person, some people may refuse to talk to me, we may not share the same ideals, we may not read the same books, we may disagree on things, but let me remind you it is still me, I am still me and embrace my flaws, because it brings out the best in me.

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘

Motherhood at its best

Motherhood has its ups and downs, each and everyone has our own fair share of struggles, stories and embarrassments. It is in motherhood that we learn about raising and celebrating our children, the children that we have, not the children what we thought we have or the children we were expecting. That we should be grateful and understanding that our children are the children that they are supposed to be, rather than what we are expecting to have. Our children are teachers that teaches us what kind of parents we are supposed to be. 

Motherhood is hard enough, the chores, the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the nightmare of parenting, the eyes of strangers looking (whether we are doing a great job), the criticisms (everybody is a goddamn critic), every single molecule in our parenting thing will go through that thread hole because everyone around us will think they are perfect enough to advice and criticise us. Everybody will give unsolicited fracking advices. It is up to us to filter what’s useful and not, and it’s up to us to raise our children.

It’s never easy to raise children, it’s either you make them or break them. Just looking at it, it seems to be a daunting, stressful and challenging job, well it is and nobody is perfect. Parenting, is such a job that it evolves us to become a better person and know our self worth.

Parenting requires resilience,  no matter how resilient we are in terms of adversities and challenges, we still need support, love, encouragement and inspirations that is for everybody for sure. We loathe criticisms as we are all different and we have different styles.

The hopes that we have for our children, the dreams that we want them to be, the possibilities there are, the happiness they give us, the love, they make us feel good about ourselves and to remind us that we are doing a spectacular job. The smiles they bring that brightens the whole gloomy world around us, the efforts we make to make these parenting hurdles easier. The difficulties we experience to bring the best in us. The unique abilities each and every child has, same for us parents. The storms that we experience to make us strong and to be the best people we can be. 

It is not a joke to parent a child, it is quite a job but the satisfaction we get when people praise them, when they share or when they get a bit flustered (which means they turn to us for attention) about things, it is a unique experience for each and everyone.

The embarrassments, oooh I have plenty, but I am no longer embarrass to embrace my flaws. Because one thing I figured, an embarrassing moment will make your world a lot brighter. I once had the guts to warm up my pizza from the microwave after having a rough night, yes I turned the damn thing on and to my disappointment my pizza isn’t there, so I was looking for it in the oven, fridge or wherever just to find it in the frying pan in the hob. I almost burnt the house down there. And there’s this instance I’ve been looking for my glasses for days just to find them in the fridge, or a poo-nami explosion, these experiences makes parenting a wonderful experience not a dreadful one.

I love the grunt work, the noise, the cries, the laughs, the accidents (wee and poo), the arguments (between me and dad, or dad and L, or L and me), the adventures, the craziness, and most especially the love.

Love makes up for everything.

The cries meant I need you more than you know.

The screams doesn’t mean I hate you but you are my rock.

The hugs that are super nice when you are tired.

And the grunt work, brings happiness because at the end of the day we are raising wonderful and resilient children.

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘

Panic Buyer

What’s the difference when shopping pre babies and shopping post babies? Good question, pre babies I like doing it, I find it relaxing having some me time, smelling some scented candles that you won’t bother to buy, going from aisle to aisle, relaxed. Post babies (toddler and a baby),I panic buy, every single time! I just want to get the hell out of the shop before one of the children explodes.

I dread it when I am booked for an appointment, or run an errand may it be to the shops or post office, the dreadful part is? Getting and waiting in the queue. Queues makes my life goddamn miserable, every single time! It’s a tried and tested way to work out how short your fuse is. It is dreadful because at this point the children will reach their melting point, which both the child and excuses (solid and liquid, excuses are liquid because it depends if you can sway them with the fluidity of the excuse or otherwise) exist in equilibrium. The higher the purity of your excuse the smaller the range for a melting point, such as finding a buffer to equalise the already imminent meltdown. Gosh meltdowns are dreadful especially when it happens around strangers, all eyes on you smirking or taking pity on you, adding up to the already escalating stress levels. 

There are days when I take them to the shop and they decide to behave provided you buy what they put in the basket or trolley (for L that is). They choose things you don’t even want to buy then you forget what you were intending to get. Anyway, shopping is so much stressful around children,  the shouting (aaaaaarrrhhh), they lie down on the floor (when they want something and you won’t allow it), they cry  (for everything), then the endless why’s  (for god knows the question) that makes your head explode. I was always good in sticking with the budget and shopping list, but now I panic, and I panic buy, let’s say in my list it says 1x  organic carrots any first bag of carrots I see I buy x 2. That is so me panic buying,  so now I learned my lesson I go shopping every Friday evening or Saturday morning once a week, alone and leave daddy to deal with the children and to save me from breaking the bank.

On some days I deliberately take L and let him decide which veg  or fruits he wants to eat, hand him his pretend credit card (a garden centre club card), let him pretend pay for it and that gives him an idea how everything works and sure when he gets home he is so keen to eat what he’s chosen. It works every time. 

Shopping shouldn’t be stressful but a baby and a toddler is a very bad combination you can take one or the other not both, it’s going to be a catastrophe. As soon as you get distracted by the baby’s crying before you know it the basket is filled with crap! And you are just doomed, because whatever is in there, they know when you take it out.

I tried different strategies when taking them shopping but this one is the winner, I make sure baby is sleeping (soundly) and the toddler, I let him choose whichever treat he wants (only one!) and he is only allowed to open or eat it with the following conditions, if he is well behaved until we finish shopping and if he eats and finishes his main meals for the day, then he not only behaves for the whole shopping duration but for the rest of the day, hahaha! Talking about being smart ha!

Anyway, shopping alone without the children feels like a holiday, quiet, chill and I can take my time (a little bit).  But now and again I don’t mind having somebody, rolling on the floor, makes the experience a little bit interesting.

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘

Mrs. Potato

I never had problems fitting in, because I never intended to include myself in those social circles where in the long run you lose your own identity. I never had lots of friends, I choose or I lose. Don’t get me wrong I am a friendly person but I’m a very finicky one. I like hanging out with people whom I share common interests, conversations or banters.

Since having children, I feel like I have to be in social circles for my children to gain friends, I felt terrible with my common mom appearance, with my diet and just my physical overall appearance, so basically I have insecurities. I’ve been so insecure about my tummy because somebody would point out (everytime) it hasn’t gone down as much as it should have been, you see I had cesarean section and it takes a while until I can do extreme exercises again. Β Don’t get me wrong I do exercises at home, I live healthily (except for cheat days), I am sane and normal.

There are days I feel like I should be a corn on the cob, with neatly tucked hair with smooth and neat skin, but most days I feel like I’m a potato, I feel odd, I feel rough, I feel prickly and bumpy. But slowly I’m learning to let go of the bring back the old me or bring back the pre pregnancy body, I’m slowly loving my self, my tiny bod and my imperfect skin. Slowly I’m learning to stop caring and just be myself again. Β Plus everybody or most of us loves potatoes right, you know French fries (chips), crisps (love them), mash ( yup!) And much more. I mean being a potato isn’t so bad after all, you’re fat (yeah so?!), but you get more love from everybody. I just have to accept that after having two children I just have to accept my imperfections because I got two perfect babies, that I should not expect to look like somebody from bay watch or jersey girls (is there such a thing?!).

I know I’ve been moaning a lot about my children, as I’ve said we have a love and hate relationship, but that makes parenting interesting, we make contradicting points. My children can be the worse on some days but they mean the world to us. Especially when they fail to see our imperfections, because for them we are the prettiest (even if we look rough, no combing, no sleep), the bravest (although I admit I’m terrified of massive spiders), the sweetest ( even we shout and have those temper tantrums too) and the best (mommy or daddy) in the world.

I love how our children sees us differently than the world around portrays us. I love how simple their world is. I am learning from my children and I’m learning to see the world in their eyes. I’m getting there and I’m trying to ignore all these insecurities, Β I’m learning to discover and reinvent myself. I don’t have to prove anything from people, I just have to be the best I can be for my self and for my family.

P.s : love your mommy bod too, they are not as bad as they look 😊

Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘