I am not the most perfect person in the world, I don’t get along well with some people, maybe my problem or they have a problem with me, I don’t know. Maybe we just don’t have common grounds, maybe I am not a desirable company. Maybe they don’t like me for being me.
I tried reconnecting, I tried doing everything I can to have even a teeny bit of a relationship but it doesn’t work to all of them, it hurts me, it hurts everytime because we are suppose to be one household but apparently I am an outcast.
As I’ve said I never tried fitting in, but it feels like I don’t fit in it anymore, I don’t feel like I belong in it. I know I did a lot of mistakes in the past but jeopardising somebody who wanted to reconnect or fit in baffles me. Why some people are so selfish and finds it hard to forgive is beyond me. I don’t know anymore, do I have to apologise over and over or keep on reaching out? You see, that’s not my forte, I reach out and I get tired to just keep on repeating it like a stupid record playing over and over eventhough there are new genres to listen to, there are better options.
I mean we make mistakes, we learn from them, we graze ourselves along the way then it heals and the scar is there for you to look at, but the thing is, that scar will be a reminder that we were once weak and that we learned from it and come back stronger. Over time, I never expected to be talked to, I never expected to be that friend or be that sister because it is just so disrespectful that whilst trying to be the best person I can be, I get ignored at, or I never get any response, it pains me every time, I stopped trying eventually, and i will stop reaching out thereafter. I know there’s such a thing as time heals everything. But what does it do? Does it just keep the bitterness in our hearts? Does it change us? Does it make us a better person? Do we become more rational about our reasons?(so we can let go).
Time. Like what Thomas Edison said, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time”. How am I going to understand more when they only want to understand less? How can one see the improvements one makes if they only sees you as a failure?Or instead of seeing the good they see lots of flaws, If they only want to indulge on their point of views? Life is not fair, it never is and never will.
Since moving abroad, I learned a lot, I learned to be more independent and to explore the world around me, I just don’t care anymore. I stopped caring altogether, because at the end of the day in this free world everybody is entitled on their own opinions, but the thing is if we let their opinion get into us, it will just eat us inside, we will just be stuck in a rut again until we learn to let go of it.
Change is the only constant in this life, I remember in one of President Obama’s speech, he said “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek”. And yet people doesn’t like change eventhough it’s for the betterment of one’s self.
No matter how grounded you are somebody will criticise and disrespect you, respect is such a thing that some people miss, they are too busy criticising others, there is nothing wrong with criticism as long as you don’t step on that fucking line just so you can be ahead of yourself.
Sometimes people are easy to judge and disrespect others without seeing their own reflections. It upsets me because they appear to be so opinionated and perfect yet they don’t see their own flaws, other people may be so busy formulating a strategy to settle everything and make ends meet and yet the other is busy putting a target on the other person’s back. Sometimes I think we live in a sick world. Sometimes I think for most people everything is a competition, may it be for greatness, attention, money or just power. Hey we only live once why don’t we try to reach out for the estranged or maybe we need to stop being so narcissistic and loosen up a bit.
I think I have improved myself and became a better person, some people may refuse to talk to me, we may not share the same ideals, we may not read the same books, we may disagree on things, but let me remind you it is still me, I am still me and embrace my flaws, because it brings out the best in me.
Write soon 😘😘😘😘😘