After months and months of waiting finally my son has decided to come, well, I am a month late in posting my blog which took me a month to think about what to say too. I can say being a mum is the most terrific yet exhausting job, but, at the end of the day it is rewarding especially when the little one shows satisfaction in his teeny weeny face.
Though I haven’t experienced any such thing as “night terrors” I have quite a few friends who have told me about their struggles with the very unsettling phenomenon, like a banshee in the middle of the night, the wee one screams for god knows what the reason is, It is like a nightmare on steroids except that you are clueless of the reason. In fact since I haven’t experienced such, even in detailed description from friends I still don’t know what to expect, anyway I’ am super excited in encountering them (well, I was, I used too – till I discovered how they are like).
From the moment Luke was born, I tried coming up to certain routines, which I hope he will keep up till he’s old enough to do things on his own.
Just when I was about to start on my daily routines, Luke would scream endlessly to the point that it freaks the hell out of me. Just a little bit of relaxation that’s what I’m asking daily to keep my sanity, but yeah my little one decided to scream, and who knows what the reason is when I am about to fall in a deep sleep, or about to do something different to keep my mind away from him for few minutes. Sometimes I think he screams because he’s bored, sometimes because he wants you to know that he’s there (although within yourself of course you know he’s there), sometimes I fail to think of any reasons. So yeah when he screams I desperately get out of bed and without any doubt will find him in a different state as he was few minutes or hours ago when I left him, Breathing heavily, wild eyed into the stillness of the bedroom, sobbing and screaming. I tried to calm him and soothe him with gentle words (eventhough he really doesn’t understand a word I say). I tried holding him just then he decides to throw his body elsewhere, kick or shove me away. Every attempt to calm him down is a struggle, all I can do is stand there helplessly, wait until he eventually calms himself down and fall back to sleep.
In the morning (that if I get a good hour or few hours sleep), I am becoming frustrated because of exhaustion from the previous night, I feel guilty for the misplaced anger I had towards my little son, who absolutely had no control over the episodes. I felt like I am a failure for failing to soothe and to help calm my son. Was it me, was it my mothering ways? I don’t know.
The feeding and inconsolable crying is taking it’s toll on me, as what I’ve said from a facebook post sometimes i think Luke thinks we own a milk factory for him to ask milk every two hours and wouldn’t show any signs of satisfaction at times and would ask for more after few minutes, which really makes me tired and sometimes I explode out of nowhere out of frustration and obviously the only person who gets it most of the time is GJ, out of the blue I just explode fiercely for no reason or for petty reason.
But to be honest being a mom is the most rewarding job of all, although I am tired and on duty for the rest of my life at the end of the day one smile or hug from this precious little man makes it all go away.
I know I have so many things to look forward to, although some may be scary, it excites me to see every milestone(s) we will go through.
*I’ve inserted a photo of my son for the world to see how proud I am to have him 🙂